It was business as usual after the shock news that Suzuki had attended the previous match against the Mac. Griff, still struggling to come to terms with the heartbreak he had inflicted, decided to open the batting with Jaffa. What better tribute to the love of woman he had never met, she couldn’t have the jiggy jiggy but she could hear about the whacky whacky. Unfortunately Griff couldn’t make whacky, the bat hung flaccid and lifeless in his hand for 4 overs until he was finally put out of his misery on 5 off 12 balls. It was as if the emotions of the last couple of weeks had resulted in the batting equivalent of erectile dysfunction, and limp Griff trudged off.
One might think that being called Jaffa may be the result of similar problems to Griff’s. No way, this boy is not shooting blanks and wasn’t living up to his name. His batting was anything but impotent, scoring 54NO and, like Bowen the week before, finishing in style cracking one off over the bowlers head.
After Jaffa others came, got themselves stuck in at one end, and then prematurely ejaculated their wicket. One Cougar took offence when Powell suggested it was being sprayed down the leg too much. Griff, used to the stains on his pants, was never bothered about it dribbling down the leg and so took over, restoring harmony out in the middle. At the end of the ‘Canes innings the Cougars needed 127 to win off 18 overs.
The ‘Canes bowling was tight and just the way a Cougar likes it, straight up the middle with a bit of bend and the occasional wrong un thrown in. They never really got up to the required run rate but, as with all women of a certain age, they did squeak a few out sideways when it got hard and fast and so were always in the game.
Mike Obrien’s back made a Lazarus like recovery after 4 years on the side-lines. When faced with 11 panting, sweaty Cougars he did a Michael Douglas and dived straight in. His enthusiasm was evident and he stood as close as he could to his prey, a shame then that although the mind was willing the body was not. Another mind however was not on the game, and after thinking he saw a kimono moving in the trees Griff had to be shouted at by Jimmy to field the ball.
Sensing the opposition were getting on top and not wanting to have a Cougar mount him Imran pounced, cleaning out 4 of them, including a Ménage à Trois. Top stuff from the kebab eating ladyboy. Powell again annoyed the opposition by becoming one of them, a perfect MILF (Man I Like in the Field) taking 2 fine catches. Bowen polished off the last 2 Cougars in the last over. Flicking his ball out of the back of his hand when one wasn’t looking, and finishing off in style pushing it fast down the side before nipping it back into middle of the unsuspecting 40 something.
The Cougars seemingly satisfied with their pounding retired smiling for a cigarette on the boundary. A nasty scene was averted by Danny after the Cougar Captain asked Griff for payment for services rendered.
A shame that Suzuki missed the 2 most eligible ’Canes finest moments. Would the Leckwith bedsit or kebab smells have been a price she’d have been willing to pay? Would Griff have played so poorly if he was unaware he’d shattered a young girls dream? I suppose we’ll never know.
On the way back to the car a young Indian lady approached me asking if the tanned man that smelt of stale meat, chip fat and garlic was from the east or west side of the Wagah border. When I replied the west she shed a tear, mumbled something about Romeo, Juliet, star crossed lovers and family disapproval then disappeared on to the back of a tuk-tuk with Bangalore plates.
MoM – Two equally fine contenders, Jaffa and Imran. I think it only fair that Suzuki chooses her prince.
